What Really Happened to Clementine?

Every time I hear this song, I can't help but put my detective hat on.

Have any of you ever noticed how suspicious this eye witness testimony is?

First of all, this guy knew Clementine drove ducklings to the water every morning just at nine...

and he just happened to be there on the morning in question.

Do you remember how he said she died?

Listen to his own words;

"...(she) hit her foot against a splinter, fell into the foaming brine."

A likely story!

Did it ever occur to anyone that he might have pushed her?

Earlier he said she was light and like a fairy. Have you ever heard of a clutzy fairy?

Neither have I.

And he brings up the size of her feet...which should be completely irrelevent...

Perhaps to make us think that they were so big she could have tripped over them?

But if her feet were the flippers he said they were, you'd think she would at least have been able to tread water.

I'm telling you, this stuff just doesn't add up.

And his excuse for not saving her life? "But alas, I was no swimmer, so I lost my Clementine."

Dude! Throw her a branch for crying out loud.

He didn't try very hard, now did he?

You're probably wondering if he had a motive for getting rid of his "Darling."

I submit to you the last line of his own testimony;

"How I miss her, how I miss her, how I miss my Clementine...

but I kissed her little sister, I forgot my Clementine."

Yeah.

I rest my case.

Pondering Polygamy

So I was reading about Samuel's mother Hannah in the Bible today and I had a few (very shallow) thoughts. You don't come here for enlightenment, do you?

First of all, how much would it stink to have to share your husband with another woman?

And then to have that woman mock you and ridicule you and generally make your life miserable?

It made me wonder....

Was Hannah his first wife or his second? Because I can understand being the first wife...not realizing that someday old hubs would get bored and start looking around.

Talk about making someone feel inadequate! Wouldn't you always wonder what he thought he was missing that he had to take a supplement? I don't think my fragile self-esteem could handle it.

If he insisted on having another wife I'd insist on helping to pick her out...

and she wouldn't be better looking than me, I can tell you that much.

I'd take her to the beach (to get to know her!) and make sure she had lots of cellulite...

plus I'd try to get him to pick a woman with some money. Make it worth it, you know?

I'm pretty sure if it were acceptable to have multiple wives today my husband might try to bring home another wife...

or two...

or a harem full...

although he would have to support them (and all the chitlins that would be created)

...so on second thought he'd probably be stuck with just lil' old me. HA! That's a relief!

Although, way to motivate a guy to get a better paying job!

Now if Hannah was this guy's second wife it would have been a whole different ball game.

First of all she could have refused his proposal...unless she was really getting old and desperate. (After all, marriage and children was what women lived for in those days. There really weren't a lot of options.)

But for whatever reason she didn't refuse.

She obviously didn't realize she would be sharing him with a spiteful, nasty old _____!

Maybe he had them meet to see if they would be compatible, and the first wife was all sicky sweet on the surface but inside she was seething, "How dare he bring another woman into my home! I'll make her life a living hell!"

Poor Hannah didn't know what she was getting herself into.

Either way, I'm sure the old guy lived to regret it. He had all these fantasies about having this woman on this night and that woman on that night...

HA!

Nobody ever told him that women's cycles begin to match once they've been living together for awhile and now he has two premenstrual women on his hands.

Serves him right, that's what I say!

I Just Want To Win

Even though nobody actually reads this blog...I need to post a link to win one of Saucy's fabulous bracelets. If there's anybody out there, click on this to go see her craftiness!

Snow Removal

My husband is obsessive compulsive about snow removal.

It literally takes him three hours to plow our driveway and yard.

Yes, you heard me.

He plows our yard...

So the dog can go to the bathroom...
( he says)

but I distinctly remember him spending the same amount of time on snow removal before we ever had a dog.

If snow removal was up to me, we would have one skinny path wide enough to walk on and that would be it.
I'd park the car in the road.

Ironically, the same man that can't stand to have a snowflake in the driveway has no problem with mountains of dirty laundry and piles of dust.

Go figure.

Life...Sinny Side Up

No, that's not a typo.
I haven't written in quite a while.
It's because I've put too many restrictions on myself.
By starting this "uplifting thoughts only" blog I have realized something very important about myself:
Take away sarcasm, self-deprecation and criticism and suddenly I have nothing to say.
I thought trying not to offend anyone was a daunting task.
But then I realized...
Not only is it a daunting task, it is an impossible task.
Take Jesus for example.
He was perfect, sinless humanity...
And they crucified him.
So I have decided to just be myself.
If I offend you, I apologize.
Mostly I just want to make you laugh.
Unfortunately, I have a sick sense of humor.
Consider yourself warned.

Day 1 of the "30 Day Shred"

The last time I did an exercise video I had to rewind the tape when I was done... if that tells you anything.
Man, I am out of shape!
Somehow I managed to convince myself that I wasn't looking too bad for my age...(at least when I lay on my back with my arms stretched over my head)...and that walking around the block twice a week is a pretty good workout.
Now if my husband had a harem of women I might have been motivated to stay in shape (so that he would pick me once in a while) but knowing it's only me...(take it or leave it)... kind of keeps the pressure off, you know what I mean?
So my dear friend Stephanie (who has recently lost about fifteen pounds) suggested we get this workout video and get in shape together.
I have to confess, Stephanie, I only made it through about half of the first section today. I suppose I could have pushed myself more but I really need to be able to walk tomorrow.
What I like about this video is each workout is only twenty minutes long. I know if it was any longer than that I wouldn't stick with it. I've got too many other important things to do... (like check Facebook for new notifications).
I also like that it combines cardio, strength training and abs all in one. If I had to do three different workouts to cover each of those areas...well, I think it's pretty obvious that it just wouldn't happen!
I've never really watched, "The Biggest Loser" but I guess this woman is one of the trainers from the show. All I know is, after twenty minutes of staring at her amazing abs and then catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, all my false images have been shattered. I look like what I am...an out of shape 40-something... Yuck!
But, today is the first day of the rest of my life!
The rest of my fantastically in-shape life, that is!
I'll keep you posted!

God Loves Losers And I'm Living Proof

Yeah, so I just lost another lousy game of connect four to my 15 year old. You'd think I'd just give up.
Actually, I have.
I refuse to play any more games with her or her stinkin' father ever again!

Until next time.

I always think, "Just one more game! This time I'm bound to get lucky! Nobody can lose forever! (or can they?)"

So we play...

and I lose...

arrrggh! (That's angry pirate speak, in case you couldn't tell.)

I've always stunk at games.
And sports.
Pretty much anything competitive.

In school the only way I wasn't the last one picked for teams was if the gym teacher took pity on me and made me captain.
I really liked being captain. Suddenly everybody was my friend. People who had never condescended to speak to me before would shout my name. "Pick me! pick me!" I was amazed and secretly thrilled to think they actually knew who I was!
To thank them for their goodness and mercy toward me, I would pick them...every last one of them that had ever ignored, neglected or picked on me.
I was a traitor to losers everywhere.
In my foolishness I imagined that they would be so grateful to me for choosing them and all their friends that they would hoist me to their shoulders shouting, "Let's hear it for Sunny!" And suddenly I would be one of them...popular...envied...

but somehow it never came to pass.

And now, here I am, a 41 year old woman, having flashbacks of 'loserdom' courtesy of my loved ones.

Thanks a lot, guys.